Fixing The Lord of the Rings

The Shire, Middle Earth. Gandalf's got a plan to destroy the One Ring. Tan thinks it's rubbish. Arriving as "Thokk the Unthinkable" — a friendly orc, which is already a contradiction — Tan's here to fix Tolkien's plot holes. The Fellowship spent three books and eleven hours of cinema walking the Ring to Mount Doom. Tan reckons he could sort it in about twenty minutes. It involves the Eagles.

PastMaster goes off-piste, dragging the AI Game Master out of history and into Middle Earth. Tan's pitch to Gandalf: skip the walking, fly the Ring to Mount Doom on the Eagles, drop it in the volcano, job done. Gandalf's response is furious and absolute. Tan's counter-argument is that the wizard literally calls an Eagle to rescue himself later in the story. What follows is a battle of wills between a 21st-century management consultant and a fictional wizard, and the Game Master is stuck in the middle trying to keep Tolkien's plot intact.

Tolkien's world is built on ancient grudges, impossible quests, and one very questionable ring-disposal strategy. Tan's turning up at Bag End with operational efficiency complaints and zero patience for quest logistics. Whether Middle Earth can handle this level of corporate scrutiny is the question. Whether Gandalf can handle Tan is another one entirely.

Contains: One Ring, zero patience, and a very offended wizard.